When is dinner and movie not dinner and a movie?

I was recently reminded by my loving mother that I’m quickly approaching the 30th year of my life. If any of you need an update, I’m currently living in my bedroom at my mom’s house, giving part-time child care to the infant son of a local pastor, and trying to get my writing off the ground. Five years of my life was dedicated to acquiring a degree in communications (which began as a degree in accounting, then shifted to psychology); then gave two years of my life to a master’s degree in public relations that I can’t finish because my “advisor” “loses my emails.”

Even with all of that going for me, I’m single. I wouldn’t say painfully single. I would say I’m selectively single. There were plenty of times in my life when I could have taken a partner, a mate, a lover… what have you and I chose against it. The person wasn’t right for me or I just wasn’t “feeling it.” You know? I’ve even gone without… um… well… knocking the boots for more than a couple of years because I won’t just sleep with anyone. I absolutely won’t.

So, in my selectivity, I’ve discovered something about the pursuers. Apparently, in the dating world, it’s better to tell people what you think they want to hear and not the truth. In what world doesn’t a person want to hear the truth? If what you want to do is bed me, just freaking say so. Buying me a drink, a meal, or taking me to the movies isn’t going to change my opinion one iota. And any person who’s opinion is changed by such things isn’t worth sleeping with anyway, are they? Really?

We’re all adults, aren’t we? I don’t want to sleep with you anyway if you aren’t. Why can’t we just come out and say – “Hey, why don’t we take this elsewhere?” – or – “Wanna fuck?” I would have a ton more respect for the guy or girl who outright seeks what they want and doesn’t offer a drunken “Hey, Baby, can I buy you a drink?” in effigy of the truth. Tell me you want to sleep with me; don’t cover it with lame attempts at seduction. Especially if they won’t work, and if you know me at all – you know they won’t work!

I mean, I’m damn near 30 still looking for someone who is just going to be honest. Nonetheless, there is something to be said about finessing the situation. Setting the mood, if you will; however, don’t offer me food, liquor, or a “night on the town” thinking it will get you in my pants. Those things are swell, and I truly enjoy them. But if I didn’t want to sleep with you before you made the offer, I certainly won’t afterward. Especially once I find out you only offered them to the one end. If you ask me over to your house for “drinks and a movie” – I fully expect to drink some drinks, watch a movie, and then GO HOME.

Where is the implication that drinks and a movie automatically equal sex? Or even a make-out session???

In my mind, to me, personally, beer and a movie is beer and a movie. Not: beer, pop in a movie, turn out the lights, and then feel each other up. It’s a waste of a movie experience. If you want to make out, why not ask for “drinks and a make-out session.” I think it would make for a much more comfortable situation than me getting buzzed, trying to watch a movie, and then punching you in the groin because you try to cop a feel under my shirt. No one is going to enjoy the movie after that – especially since you’d be driving me home.

Seriously, folks, when did it become the norm to offer drinks and a movie as a – trade? – foot-in-the-door process of getting laid or getting something close to laid? Ask the person in? Okay, I can deal with that. There is the implication of getting some action. Asking them in for pizza and a couple of beers doesn’t necessarily mean clothes are being removed, does it?

Or am I being simple? I can tell you it isn’t deliberate. I want to know when someone is asking me over a meal and when they are asking me over to do the horizontal bop, you know? Is that what it is, timing? I mean, does it matter if that someone asks you a week in advance or a couple hours after meeting in the bar for the first time? Is it the tone of voice? How can a person know when they are being propositioned and not being offered a good movie and a couple of cold ones?

Will I have to spend the next 30 years figuring it out? Without some “dinner and a movie”, that is gonna be a long, long time…

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